When it comes to lies from a lover, I have little to low tolerance. A relationship built on lies is nothing but a house made of match sticks, when it ends, there’ll be an explosion.
White lies are tolerable when he says, you’re beautiful despite a big fat pimple on your nose. Or maybe he extols your virtues even though it may not be all true but because he’s proud. Or to say, yeah, that sex was amazing was it was only lukewarm. Hey, everyone has an off day!
Big lies are ones like relationship status, family status, and even worse, disclosures like disease or debt riddled. When in a relationship do you disclose these matters? One month, two months, 6 months? Or does hiding it forever make it disappear? No secret is ever hidden from what I have learned. No matter how deep you dig, or how far you’ve shelved it, someone is going to expose it.
Would you stay with someone when you find out that he lied about his age? Would you stay if he lied about his marital status? Would you stay when another woman tells you he’s actually a douchebag? When do red flags go on alert? Or does love erase all these lies? Is love enough to build a future based on lies?
With my boyfriend, I had been brutally honest—it might have been too honest but I didn’t want to waste time with little white lies so he would love this alternate version of me. For many guys I’ve dated, that girl I became for one night of drink and dinner is not the girl I am by day. I know I have been told that I have very high, if not an excessively high, standard. I have high standards for myself as well therefore I expect the person I’m with to try as hard.
I have had a string of bad relationships, from cheated on, cheated with, random late night calls from a girl who’s told me awful things about the guy, and not being loved.
I remember trying to make those relationships work. I tried to tell myself that yes, I can still love him despite all these warnings because I was scared to be alone, too comfortable in the relationship, no one would want me. What douchery lies was I telling myself? I didn’t want to see the truth because it would make me look stupid. When I look back, I see how stupid I wad and how i could have avoided it yet, they were lessons I learned.
I learned that I deserved a relationship that was better than one full of holes and lies. I learned that I deserved a relationship without baggage late night calls from unknown woman. I learned that I would rather be alone than pretend I could make a lie honest.
I am an honest, hard working person who deserves honesty and truth handed back. If a person lied to me and hurt someone else enough that this crazy woman reached out to warn me, these are huge red flags for any person in a relationship to stop and really take a look.
Lovers are going to have secrets. We all do. But what’s important is learning to trust someone to disclose these matters upfront and to look at yourself to see and know that you deserve better. Most importantly, ask yourself, putting love aside, is he worth all the trouble to build a significant relationship with that you can be proud to walk with, show to friends and families, and be there for you without you worrying that he could be lying again?