Love’s Sins

There are different people from all walks of life that tread the same earth. Even those who have never left their hometown and those who have traveled far and wide, there have been thousands of years prior of others who have walked, swam, and even crawled on those exact same path. In a world of “ME” where the center is your own ego, you forget that there are other people around whose shoes you can’t walk in but whose path you can walk on. Though only an observer, you can try to see where each person comes from and try to understand how they feel. Only the selfish cannot understand that life is not just about “me” but also about “you” and “them” on different levels of priorities.

There’s always that line every culture seems to have, the Golden Rule as most people have come to know. “Do unto others as you would unto yourself.” I’ve counted my blessing every chance I get and I try to do good so that I can have good karma. My life never really started until I left home. I love my family and I count them as my blessing. But I don’t count my childhood as a blessing for it hadn’t been filled with happiness, gifts, and support. But because of it, it made me a stronger person. It made me be a better person and realize that life isn’t fair but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Over time, I realize that the people I meet, the people I connect with, and the people I don’t even like are people I must have done some deeds with in my last lives. When I think of my best friends, I am always reminded that I must have done plenty of good deeds to have them in my life now. When I think of all the people who have hurt me, I take it as lessons in life and as sins from a last life that I am repaying for in this life. And I try to end it in this life so that I won’t have to have that sin in my next life. I let people walk all over me because I try to accommodate and please everyone but in doing that, being untrue to myself, is that a sin that I will carry onto the next life? Is it a sin to compromise my own happiness for others?

When I think about him and I look at what we had, I realize he doesn’t deserve me. I did what any women in my place would want. Misha is right in that we all dream a piece of romance, a piece of that fairy tale. So long as we don’t strive for it but it’s okay to hope for goodness to be returned to you. And it’s true. I don’t expect flowers, candies, and candlelit dinner. I don’t expect much but his attention, love, fidelity, and honesty. With him, I got all the things I didn’t expect except the things I truly wanted. And even though a part of me wants him back, I have to be honest that he’s not good for me. He doesn’t deserve my love. He doesn’t deserve the person that I am. He would never understand who I am, what I am, and what I want. He will always be a boy who is selfish, demanding, controlling, and disrespectful of any women in his life. Because of that, I can’t respect him as a man.

And I’ve done my deed as much as I can to end this sin with him so that I won’t have to carry it on to my next life. He will be just that, a sin repaid. I’ve done enough to him as well and I hope that he will remember me forever and know that he lost me. He won’t be the first man to look back at me and say, I’ve lost her. And he won’t be the last man whom I can love.