Yesterday, I bought my first puppy. Seeing him wasn’t love at first sight. Holding him didn’t have that magical spark. I told myself I wouldn’t want a puppy unless it reached all my expectations. But I have an insane expectation of others and myself that nothing would ever reach all of it. Instead, I found myself contemplating the joy of a companionship, the thrill of a possible future, and the fear of all the unknowns in a relationship.
The night before, I had started to self doubt myself and all the reasons I chose to get a puppy. My heart was hurting. My self worth was questioning. My reason seemed unreasonable. I was getting a puppy because I was lonely and the romance that could have been had become null. It didn’t feel right. I started to have second thoughts.
But today, even though I still hurt over the useless romance and hopeless man, and I still doubt myself and scared that I will be a bad parent to the puppy, I find myself less lonely. WIth the puppy asleep in my arms, next to me in my bed, and looking at me with those big black eyes, he reminds me of the man I can’t have. The fear that he’ll go away, the distress that he could be here for a long time, the fretting that something bad might happen, it’s like the world has opened me to the eyes of an unselfish person. I’m not here alone even if I feel alone. I may feel suffocated by all the tasks involved but I realize at the end of the day, it’s worth it. I can cry and laugh and there’s someone there just staring at me and I know, it’s not so bad after all. Scared, yes. But utterly proud and excited of the future prospect.