From the age of 16, I knew I wanted to be a designer, specifically graphic. I couldn’t imagine myself otherwise. So when things had gone downhill the past few months and interviews were few and far between, my conviction as a designer started to waver. Was I even good enough to be a designer? Or will I ever find a job that will make me happy?
I was first introduced to graphic design through web design during a summer course with New Horizon. This was still the early days of HTML tables and inline style. Animated backgrounds, blinking text, fluorescent colors; websites looked like disco rooms on your screen, especially with those mono audio playing in the background. Eventually, I took computer graphics classes, which was only 3 rooms down from my homeroom. So every morning, I would go to school early and putter about on those colorful “bubble butt” Apple computers, blending and painting digital ink. This introduction took me into traditional art: drawing, painting, dancing, piano. They were all the things my mother deemed “luxury courses for the rich who have no fear of having no money down the road.”
But I knew I wanted to be a designer. But sometimes, even a conviction is tested.
The past few years, my job has been about designing for someone. I was never designing for myself. I wasn’t doing it because I loved it. I did because it paid the rent. It became a task, a chore, banal and monotonous. I didn’t believe in any of the product I was working on. I wasn’t even doing art or design for myself anymore. I was only doing art for someone else. It was draining–emotionally, mentally, and physically.
When I started job hunting, I had such little job prospect. No one was emailing me back. Recruiters I worked with were always pushing me into something that I didn’t want do. Four months of nothingness and I started to question whether I am any good at being a designer. Everyone I’ve worked with all say I’m good but why can’t I convince a job prospect that I was good?
I felt lost. I was torn. I was utterly hopeless.
So I decided I would quit my job and take a step back.
Quitting for me wasn’t a rash decision. I didn’t just jump boat one day. It was a long process of letting go. I had to learn to detach myself from the things that were hurting me, specifically giving up the position that was promised on hire and not finding someone who would give me the chance. It made me question my capabilities and I spent many nights crying about it.
One day, I just stopped self-pitying myself and I decided “why be unhappy where you are? Be happy even if it’s a bit scary.” So the decision to leave was mostly to find myself again. Find my art groove again. It was the scariest decision of my life. I was going to move in a direction where I don’t know if I would be able to pay rent 3 or 4 months down the road when my rainy day fund kicks the bucket.
But I knew if I didn’t do it now, I would never have that chance later when I have a family and more responsibilities. I am very lucky to live in a world where the opportunity to find happiness is available and to have the support system to keep me together.
So even though I quit a well-paying and somewhat-stable job, I decided to move on towards a freelance path where I can pick and choose the projects that I think will fulfill me both mentally and emotionally and grow me artistically. Until of course, the funds run out and I’ll have to do whatever oddjobs I can do.
I have never stopped loving art and design. I just wasn’t showing my best work when I’m doing someone else’s work. No where in the design was my heart. So I am finding time to do design for myself, picking up typography again, setting aside basic designs session for myself, and really just loving it again to the point where I can incorporate it into my work.
Leaving my job may be scary but what awaits me is finding myself again. Isn’t that most important when no one knows the exact length of life? Just following your dreams and being fulfilled emotionally.
*Note: Watching Jon Favreau “Chef” was an eye opener for confronting these feelings.